How Do You Learn to Trust Again After Emotional Abuse?

What they are really doing is creating a plan. They challenge the people around you, gaslighting you about their motives. The abuser then positions themselves as the only person you can trust and you find yourself turning to them the person who is abusing you.

Think of the abuser like the dementors from Harry Potter — they suck your energy. They are like parasites - a parasite is a living being, that lives off other living beings, sucking their energy without any useful contribution in return, hurting their host little by little.

During the idealisation stage, they placed you on a pedestal, they learnt what you desired in a partner. But they also discover your weaknesses and start to manipulate your emotions. The things they once admired about you become the things they criticise, leaving you confused by these unexpected put-downs.

If you dare to confront them, they move you back to the idealisation stage, showering you with love again, a tactic of gaslighting that makes you question your reality. You start to accept this pattern, and like a stain on the carpet, it becomes part of the fabric of your relationship. You ignore your intuition, that gut feeling that told you something was wrong, choosing to believe their version of events.

Your gut, your second brain, senses that something is wrong. It's the one we should be listening to. It warns you when the person who once praised you now criticises the same qualities they once adored. Yet, under the influence of the abuser’s manipulation, you begin to doubt your own perceptions.

This is how this cycle of abuse starts. This is how it continues. And this is how it ends.

Understanding the Familiarity of Abuse

If we look back to our childhoods, particularly the first seven to eight years, we may recognise some of these patterns. Perhaps you grew up in a household where one parent was always the victim, and you couldn't save them. The behaviours, phrases, and energy of your childhood environment echo in your adult relationships.

These non-verbal cues feel familiar, and that’s why you stay. The chaos doesn’t feel unsafe.

It’s the calm, the quiet, the safe environments that feel unfamiliar.

You might have turned into a detective, piecing together clues, but the abuser convinced you that you couldn’t trust your instincts, that only they were reliable. They fed you stories about why your friends and family couldn’t be trusted, isolating you further.

The Cycle of Confusion and Control

Your brain becomes confused by the abuser’s constant manipulation — the gaslighting and triangulation make it hard to know who to trust, including yourself.

They create narratives that tap into your core wounds of abandonment, shame, and betrayal. They reframe events, making you feel at fault for their behaviour, all while creating jealousy and insecurity through triangulation.

It’s like holding onto an illusion — a relationship with someone who has duped, lied to, and cheated on you, who created unrealistic expectations you could never meet. And when you fail to meet these expectations, it’s somehow your fault. Like a broken appliance, you’re discarded.

These relationships are familiar. You recognise a character that has played a role in your life before and they play a similar character.

The abuser is like a narrator, constantly changing everything, rewording and rewriting what they've done to you, gaslighting you, convincing you that if you hadn't done something, then they wouldn't have behaved the way they did.

Rebuilding Trust in Yourself

So, how do you learn to trust again?

The first step is self-care, which may feel foreign after being in a relationship where you were always last. Make yourself and your healing a priority.

It’s a difficult shift because you may still be searching for proof that everything was your fault, your brain fighting your gut, causing cognitive dissonance.

Gradually, your nervous system will calm down, especially if you incorporate grounding techniques and deep breathing exercises.

Journaling can also help you process your thoughts, helping you reconnect with your gut feelings.

A fun way to start trusting your instincts again is to let your body make simple decisions. Stand in front of an ice cream counter and let your body choose the flavour. Or go to the supermarket and let your body pick the foods it wants.

Re-parenting Yourself: A Path to Healing

Coming out of an abusive relationship can feel like everything is destroyed. The patterns of abuse feel familiar because you've lived them before. The abuser broke into your psyche, undoing all the developmental stages you went through as a child. Narcissists don’t go through these stages — they remain trapped, often because of a "mother wound" that prevents them from becoming the person they could have been.

They try to take you back to where they are stuck, reprogramming you to meet their needs. In these moments, you may find yourself feeling as though a child is running your life.

For me, it felt like a three-year-old was in charge of my finances, my divorce — everything.

That’s why re-parenting yourself is crucial. Treat yourself like a nurturing parent would treat a toddler. If you need a nap, take one. If you need a bath, run one. If you're cranky, find what you need to soothe yourself. There's a beautiful poster by Sark called "How to Really Love a Child" among the suggestions are giving a child pots and pans to bash or putting them in water, making a chocolate cake and eating it with no hands. Apply this nurturing to yourself. Dance, watch a film, or go for a walk — whatever feels right.

Becoming the Parent You Needed

Re-parenting is your opportunity to be the person you needed when you were growing up. It’s a gift, it might be painful. But you can talk to your wounded inner child, guide them, nurture them, and see and hear them in the way they never were. you can be the person that you needed in your life when you were growing up.

I remember feeling numb one minute, and the next I was screaming in emotional pain. There was no balance, just extreme highs and lows. You might be further along, or still in the stage where you’re a detective, recognising that something is wrong, torn between what you know and what you are told is real.

Moving Towards Empowerment

At some point, you decide you don’t want to experience these toxic relationships anymore. You feel lonely. But there is great power in this process.

You learn to trust yourself again, to listen to your gut when something doesn’t feel right. You understand that if someone makes you feel bad, they don’t deserve a place in your life.

It’s like building muscles; you don’t start with a heavy weight. You build up slowly, just as you would train for a marathon. Healing is a process, and you will make mistakes. But each time, you get stronger, more aligned with who you are, and clearer about the people you want in your life and how you want to feel.

Trust is rebuilt one step at a time. This is about getting stronger and knowing what you want. Remember, it’s not about perfection. You’re on a journey of self-discovery, strength, and reclaiming your power. Aligning with who you are and the people you want in your life.

And you’re doing it one step at a time.