Should You Wait for the Abuser to Take Responsibility?

Perhaps you’re waiting for them to apologise for the chaos they caused—cheating, lying, financial deceit, or verbal abuse.

And this word is key here: ‘WAITING’.

While you’re waiting for that apology…

While you’re waiting for them to take responsibility…

What happens when you wait?

Your life is on hold.

You can’t heal, you can’t move on.

Everything is in suspension.

Nothing is moving.

Meanwhile, while your life is on hold, waiting, they are moving on.

The meme I saw stopped me in my tracks: “Are we asking abusers to take responsibility when we tell survivors to forgive?”

After I processed this, I thought, what a waste of time. I wondered if this was relevant to emotional or narcissistic abuse.

The abuser can’t take responsibility—they live a life protecting their fragile inner self. For them, taking responsibility would shatter everything they have built to protect this illusion.

I remember going crazy, wanting to hear an apology, willing to walk away with nothing, just to hear him tell the truth.

The reality was, that I had all the evidence I needed—emails, screenshots, and photographs—but the emotional wounds I had, and the belief that this was all my fault, overrode all of that.

They’ve spent their lives building this fake image, and admitting fault would bring their world crashing down.

And while you’re stuck, your life on hold, not only wanting or waiting for their apology but also caught in the physical pain you’re left with, they walk away without a backward glance. They usually have their new supply lined up and ready to take over. They’ll reach out to you, check-in, and make sure you’re still in pain—ensuring they still have control over you.

The only responsibility you should focus on is taking responsibility for your healing.

The abuser isn’t going to wake up one day and say, “Oh, I see what I did wrong. I see how I hurt you.”

But you can take back your power and heal yourself.

Here are a few steps to help you get started:

• No Contact and Grey Rock: Stop feeding their need for attention. No contact cuts them off completely, while grey rock is when you make yourself as uninteresting as a literal grey rock. Both help protect your emotional space.
• Heal the Wounds: Often, the wounds they trigger—abandonment, betrayal, shame—come from long before the relationship. Start working on healing these deep-rooted issues so you can fully break free.
• Grounding and Self-Care: Seriously, don’t underestimate the power of grounding exercises, breathing techniques, and a bit of self-care. You’ve been through a lot, and now it’s time to nurture yourself, not them.

Do You Really Need to Forgive?

Some people struggle with the idea of forgiving their abuser.

And I get that—you don’t have to. That choice is yours.

But holding on to anger can be harmful.

Forgiveness isn’t about excusing the abuser, holding out your arms for a hug, and saying, “Now let’s be friends.” It’s about not allowing that person to hurt you any longer, not holding on to the anger, resentment, or pain. You wouldn’t walk around with a stone in your shoe, would you? At some point, you’d stop, find somewhere to sit, and shake it out.

Forgiveness is about letting go of ties and restraints. It’s about reclaiming your power and creating the life you were born to live.

Breaking Trauma Bonds and Healing the Original Wound

Trauma bonds are the emotional chains that keep you tied to someone, even when they’ve done unspeakable things to you. Breaking those bonds allows you to see who they were all along. From here, you can address the root cause—the reason you were vulnerable to the abuse, and why you couldn’t walk away.

And this isn’t just about you. This healing is multidimensional, as well as transformational. You are healing the past, the wounds of the generations before you, and breaking the cycle for your children and their children. This is what ancestral healing is all about—healing backwards as well as forwards.

The Real Power Move: Taking Responsibility for YOU

The most empowering thing you can do is take responsibility for your healing. By learning about abuse, you’ll realise that waiting for an apology is a trap. The only person who can give you closure is yourself.

There is a silver lining—or perhaps a pot of gold—because this is where the magic happens. You get to rebuild your life. You get to strip everything back and heal the original wounds. You’ll create the life you were born to live. This is something the abuser can never do. They are trapped in their fragile world, and because they can’t admit fault, they will never heal.

Listen to this on the MindFuckery podcast HERE